FREE 2 SPEAK

Welcome to the freedom of my Queendom. We all have the right to speak freely and thus we shall....

2009/6/19

The Awakening - It's about time!

@ 06:18 AM (4 months, 20 days ago)

Since I began planning my wedding to the best man ever, I’ve learned more about myself than I really care to know; some good, but still, some - not so good.  One learns a lot about who they are, what they want from life, what they are willing to do or give, and what simply is not up for compromise when preparing for the rest of their lives.  The most important thing that I’ve learned about myself is simple.  I am but a huge chuck of left-over baggage.  I have completely overlooked many lessons that offer improvement and I have accepted my way as the right way for three decades.  Now, though, I am preparing to share my life with one person and it is high time that I begin to be responsible for my actions and my feelings.

 

Many years ago I was in an eleven year relationship that shaped who I am to this day.  One may even argue that I began this transformation prior to this relationship – when my father died.  I wouldn’t argue that issue.  However, I know that this particular long- term relationship did not do much for my jolt into womanhood.  I was a victim of abuse – physical, mental, and emotional.  I thought getting rid of this guy fixed my issues.  But, I’ve learned that I am as far from being “fixed” as one can get.

 

First off, trust is not something that I am privy to.  I can’t offer it with ease to others and I really don’t like being in situations where I have to be trusted.  The idea of people depending on me terrifies me and the idea of having to depend on others, even more of a sore spot.  It’s not healthy, I understand that.  Being this way has cost me many friendships that could have lasted a lifetime.  This one relationship of my life draped me in the comfort of individualism.  Somehow I taught myself that there is no one – not my mother, my companion or even best friend that I would or could ever trust completely.  Giving my all to this toxic relationship with little to no mutuality confused me to such a degree that I began living in a world that I created myself where I refused to need another person and I refused to commit to anyone or anything for fear that I’d be used and/or hurt – again.

 

Secondly, it took me years to live down the idea that I was unattractive and “fat”.  Eventhough on the surface, I convinced myself that I am happy being me; I am confident and proud of who I am.  Somewhere in the back of my mental psyche there stood this little girl who felt unsure and fearful.  Regardless of the smile plastered on my face to hide the shame and pain, I still heard the ugliness that sang out to me during this relationship.

 

“No one else is gonna want you”;

 

“I’m not attracted to you; you’re too fat”;

 

“I wish you would just shut up; no one wants to hear you talk.  You’re stupid”.

 

Although I laughed at these statements and thought that he was crazy for saying them, someway, somehow, I allowed them to create my personality.  I decided that I wouldn’t try to make anyone like me since they wouldn’t want me anyway.  I decided to stop trying to be fit and in shape since I was already fat and no one wants a fat girlfriend.  I decided that whenever I was around people who had lively debates, I would retreat to the quiet corner of the room and hope no one asked me anything directly that would reveal my opinion.  No one wanted to hear what I had to say.  I didn’t want to be laughed at or taken for granted.  So, I didn’t trust myself enough to know that people would be interested in my thoughts.  To date, rejection is my biggest fear in life.

 

Lastly, and probably the one thing that can link my issues back to my father’s death, I am extremely afraid of being left.  I try not to build relationships for fear that once I share myself with another friend, or boyfriend, anyone, they’ll leave me.  They will abandon me, leaving me with only a broken heart and a bunch of tears.  Because of this I’ve made many strides in my life to avoid serious relationships and I definitely didn’t want to partake in friendships.  Although, I tend to be very close to my friends, I adapted the idea that life long friendships are myths; they didn’t really exist.  This has caused me many sleepless night and teary mornings.  Because, I am drawn to special people, yet, I try really hard to control my connection to them to avoid the inevitable departure that my history proved was destined to occur.

 

Being in love with my son, my future step-children and my future husband has made me realize that I can not continue to be this screwed up emotionally.  Having strong, intelligent friends who love me and share in my life has brought to the surface my need to get pass this.  I’ve placed a tremendous amount of stress and strain on myself because I have not dealt with the emotional unbalance I suffered at the hands of one man, years ago.

 

I can only pray that with this outburst of emotion, I am healed.  I am able to love wholeheartedly a man who is definitely worthy of me grabbing a hold of the woman he knows I can be.  I am praying that with this entry today I am able to accept people who accept me and able to trust without hesitation.  I can only hope that I can find that girl that I was for the first 12 years of my life before the universe threw me this curve ball that has been hovering over the plate for the last 20 years – controlling me.  I want to get back in the game and contribute to the “W”.  I don’t want to stand in the dug out any longer hoping I don’t have to get up to bat for fear of causing an out or not getting to first base.  I want to learn to take the chance and hope for the best.  Instead of not taking the chance and receiving whatever I get. 

 

Life’s too short and too wonderful to spend with this type of baggage hindering me.  I am about to marry the man of my dreams and embark on the second phase of my life.  I refuse to carry this emotional drama with me any further.  This is your stop, get off.  I’m done with you and I am ready to enjoy my new family, my friends and my new life.

 

Queen………….out!

Comment(s) »

  1. Last night, when I saw you, your fiance, and all of your children together, you all looked like such a happy family. You have truly risen above your fears, and you and your man to be have created a wonderful environment for each other and your children. They have two wonderful role models in there life who are loving, intelligent, giving, creative and AMAZING in every facet.

    I truly you wish you all, my sincerest blessings.

    Comment by Gina— 2009/06/19 @ 07:50 AM — (Reply)

  2. Thanks G. I realize that I have much work to be done in order to actually begin to heal from this. But one thing I know for sure is that I have found my soul mate and he deserves to have the me that I was bron to be. AND HE SHALL.

    Comment by QueenFolayan— 2009/06/19 @ 08:58 AM — (Reply)

  3. Sis Funmi:

    On our journey towards healing we often think (based on the world) that we must do it alone; that we cannot and should not bring into a new relationship things of our past). It is this thinking that keeps love from truly loving. God brings to us what we need when we need it all the time. Restoration, uh healing is a promise from God The Father/Mother. We are someones help towards their healing as they are that for us if we allow. That is what love does-heal and restore as we allow it into our lives to do so and be so. The love you are in and will experience from here on is truly what the doctor ordered. This will be your true love salvation.

    Walking in the healing that is the true work, our receiving it and knowing it just is and that Love is loving on a full time basis. We dont have to fuss and fight and or toil over the beauty of love and its healing power. It never ceases, we just block it; and you are wrapped and cloaked in it eternally as you and your Beloved continue to move into your forever and happily ever after. Blessings & Congratulations!

    Collage.

    Comment by Collage— 2009/06/21 @ 06:05 AM — (Reply)

  4. Thanks Collage you have given me food for thought.

    Comment by QueenFolayan— 2009/06/21 @ 11:57 AM — (Reply)

  5. Do you go by what you think or what you feel ?

    Comment by jim— 2009/06/19 @ 11:10 AM — (Reply)

  6. Jim, I'm pretty sure I don't know how to answer that question....what do you mean? What do you want to know....really? What do you mean "go by"?

    Comment by QueenFolayan— 2009/06/19 @ 12:23 PM — (Reply)

  7. Its a Straight forward question ! What is the problem with answering it ?

    Comment by jim— 2009/06/19 @ 04:50 PM — (Reply)

  8. Do YOU live life by what you "Feel" about things ? Or do you go by what YOU "Think" about things ?

    Comment by jim— 2009/06/19 @ 04:51 PM — (Reply)

  9. Not sure what made you think that I have a problem with your question but it wasn't straight forward. I probably do a little bit of both. What's your point? And why are YOU so angry???

    Comment by Queen Folayan— 2009/06/20 @ 11:49 AM — (Reply)

  10. Didn't you ask me the same thing about an article I wrote for JFP.....what's your deal?

    Comment by Queen Folayan— 2009/06/20 @ 11:51 AM — (Reply)

  11. Bacause IF your going to be "Queen" then dont go by your "Feelings' about something. The society of today is to disregard "LOGIC". NO I'm NOT a "Trekie" ! I was Logical before spock was a television Character. One cannot dismiss the logical progression of life which is be born, Love, Prepare for the future and die ! And all that is inbetween. Hate, Fight, Curse, A/My Queen should have full understanding of the Human experience (an impossible task) .

    Comment by jim— 2009/06/20 @ 12:01 PM — (Reply)

  12. nanoo nanoo:mrgreen:....lol...riff

    Comment by riffran— 2009/06/20 @ 04:52 PM — (Reply)

  13. HI "Ork" .. Whats happenin ?

    Comment by jim— 2009/06/20 @ 05:18 PM — (Reply)

  14. My point ? Anybody can make claim to be queen or even KING for that matter. Evem "Colmes" is coming out with a cologne called "KING" ! So if everyone is claiming to be QUEEN OR king WHERES THE LIGITAMACY ? WHAT ARE YOU "QUEEN" OF ?

    Comment by jim— 2009/06/20 @ 05:21 PM — (Reply)

  15. I've heard of "Progressives" and it doesnt look good for anything but rascial Inequality ! Its bad enough That a Legal Advisory has come to the confirmation Table and made "Rascists" statements about aserting "LAW" based on "Rascists" remarks and Rascial Ineptitute with reasoning that allows for the advancement of only a "Select" group of People ! Yes I'm talking about Sotomyhor. IF you are "Queen" then why would you allow this as well as perpetuate the Line of Thought ? Based on your side bar of likes and dislikes as dysplyed on this web board. Read Your Side bar .. To this one truth QueenFolayan abides.

    Comment by jim— 2009/06/20 @ 05:30 PM — (Reply)

  16. Aretha Franklin is THE queen of soul:mrgreen:..R.E.S.P.E.C.T.....lol:mrgreen:riff

    Comment by riffran— 2009/06/20 @ 06:53 PM — (Reply)

  17. Aretha is fantastic. How about that performance years ago in the Blues Brothers?

    Comment by Ed— 2009/06/20 @ 08:07 PM — (Reply)

  18. How did it go in last nights E.R. ? 10 GSW, 12 ASWDW !

    Comment by jim— 2009/06/21 @ 07:18 AM — (Reply)

  19. I'd appreciate it if those who have ventured here to be disrespectful and/or negative; please do me a favor and save your comments for those who want to care to participate. I have no desire to read comments non-related to the blog topic or to DISRESPECT THE QUEEN. I thought Jim was actaully interested in contributing to my attempt at correction and growth, however it is clear at this point that he has some kind of personal issue with me for referring to myself as "QUEEN" which he actually has no idea why I am called Queen and I'm sure he doesn't care at all. Therefore, I have banned his comments and will do the same for anyone else who wants to use this blog site to show off ignorance and shameful remarks.

    To the rest of you thanks. I don't expect you to agree with me on all topics. But I do demand and expect a level of respect on MY blog.

    Comment by QueenFolayan— 2009/06/21 @ 11:55 AM — (Reply)

  20. Not that you asked me, but I think banning Jim is somewhat extreme. Jim is a nice guy in my estimation. He is kind of a plain talker which is not exactly a crime. How about giving the dude another chance? He CERTAINLY didn't mean to upset you or be rude. Thanks for your consideration.

    Comment by Mos— 2009/06/21 @ 01:23 PM — (Reply)

  21. Mos, I am a nice person as well. However, Jim's comments didn't give off the indication that he was a "nice guy". He alluded to the fact that the organization that I am on the Board of that stands to decrease racial inequality is actually contributing to racial disharmony....an untruth. Since he was so blatant in his comments, I'm left to the opinon that he doesn't know what he's talking about and thus doesn't mind making damaging comments about things that actually mean something to me and other Jackson Progressives. I find that to be offensive and ignorant.

    Also, his attacks on me personally contribute to the idea that he didn't come on here to offer an opinon of substance, but to just see his name on the blog under comments - maybe. Not sure. But certainly not to contribute to the betterment of a fellow human being. Therefore, I'm not interested in his comments on this or any other topic.

    I thank you for your offering here. I appreciate your sentiments. I hope you'll continue to follow and offer your input. Peace.

    Comment by QueenFolayan— 2009/06/22 @ 08:01 AM — (Reply)

  22. You seem pretty nice yourself there Queen. Sounds like you have won the battle over codependency. Congrats. Remember that one has to take care of one's self to be any good to anyone else. Sounds like you are connected to a great guy. So are you gonna give good ole Jim another shot?

    Comment by Mos— 2009/06/22 @ 02:38 PM — (Reply)

  23. Sweet, beautiful queen
    Thank you for sharing such a delicate part of yourself. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes because it caused me to reflect on my own hurt and shame of a horrible marriage of 18 years. I, too, suffer from the lack of trust and the fear of abandonment from the many losses in my life. I married while grieving the loss of my mother, and that was one of the greatest mistakes I could have made at the age of 20. The next grave error of judgment was staying married to a man that was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me. The healing process is hard, and I am very grateful to God for opening LIFE back up to me. I was stuck in the rut of a routine, mundane life of repetition. I cared for my children and worked, that was the totality of my existence. Now, I am finally trying to slowly creep out of the shell of the victim that no man (according to my ex-husband) would ever want. I am still working on my trust issues, and hopefully in time my lack of trusting others will be a vague memory of the “girl” that was once Tara that became the “woman” that I love just as much as others love me. I can’t say THANK YOU enough for this posting. Smooches to one of the most beautiful (internally and externally) women I know.

    Comment by Tara Lewis— 2009/06/24 @ 07:24 AM — (Reply)

  24. Tara, thank you for your comment. This is one of the reasons I decided to be open about my imperfections; to be able to offer women who share in my suffering an opportunity to realize that they are not alone or wrong for the pain they go through at the hands of an abuser. But we owe it o ourselves and to the man who we give forever to, to get over it and allow our pain to transfer to our happiness and our successes. I look forward to getting better and better. And I know that it doesn't happen over night. The biggest part is admitting that there is still pain to work thru. There is more healing needed. But I know that you, like me, won what it takes to make it thru and to accept love and forgiveness in our hearts. Again, thank you sister.

    Comment by QueenFolayan— 2009/07/02 @ 07:15 AM — (Reply)

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