I remember getting on the bus thinking, “Wow, this is really close.  I shouldn’t sit here”. It was the very first seat on the bus.  I remember even mentioning it out loud.  But, I thought, my new friends are close to me so it’ll all be okay.  I dealt with a feeling of uncertainty and discomfort the entire ride.  I offered my soul solace by reminding myself that I would be the first one off the bus.  Since I was so ready to get home and so ready to see my beloved, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep the entire trip.

Then about 29 miles outside of Jackson, the left front tire blew out.  I thought, “Oh my God, what happening?”  All I could focus on was the driver.  I stared at Howard and prayed for God to guide him.  At first Howard looked to be shocked and I think he panicked a bit.  But shortly after that, I watched as he took complete control of the wheel and lead the bus to the median, all the while saying, and “Hold on everybody”.  Sitting on the seat alone, with no one to block me, I just knew if the bus tumbled over that I’d end up in the laps of the two women adjacent to me.  I really didn’t want them to be hurt and I didn’t want to be hurt myself.  Suddenly, I noticed that there were no screams.  None of the 20 plus passengers screamed.  Clearly, the Lord found a way to comfort us all so that we didn’t scare poor Howard even more than he had already been scared.  I can imagine that if things were any different, we could have been thrown from the bus and killed.

Once we realized that we were safe and as people began to verbally thank God for saving us, all I could do was cry.  I cried because I was happy to be alive.  I cried because I realized what could have been.  I could be gone.  I could never know what it would have felt like to be married; to be a new mother; to be a graduate of LGJ. 

Fortunately, I, alone with all of my colleagues were blessed enough to tell this story.  If there was anyone on that bus who doubted the power of prayer before, surely, it has become obvious to them now. 

To the ladies who sat nearest to me (Christy, Heather, Deidre, Deborah and Susan) who held my hand while I sobbed and offered to take me home; who wiped my tears and asked if I was okay – THANK YOU.  I was unable to formulate any words or thoughts that day, but I heard each of you and I was thinking, “thank you” at the time, I just couldn’t get anything out. 

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!!

We, the adults, the parents, the teachers, the school system, law enforcement – we -  simply have not addressed it’s affect on us (all) effectively and are now staring right at this problem as it infects our sons and daughters.  We have failed to bring awareness and therapy needed to eliminate this poisonous plaque from our existence.  We have failed to teach value and self worth to our daughters and we have failed to rehabilitate and encourage our sons.  Young women are missing the point that they deserve better.  While young men are missing the point that they can be better. 

It’s not secret to anyone that we have for years done all we can to help the victims of domestic violence, after they’ve been abused.  We offer them a place to stay; childcare for their children; therapy.  We recognize that we must help save the lives of these victims.  We need to do more of this, but we have recognized the need.  However, one could argue that society has not yet accepted its responsibility to the young man who has committed an act such as abuse of a loved one.

I know it’s hard to see pass the surface which is - the man is the abuser.    He physically overcame a female, a treasure, a physically weaker being.  He’s wrong.  He should be punished.  He’s a terrible person.  He should be thrown in jail and never seen or heard from again.

Really?

As a woman, I say that’s a ridiculous notion.  No one wins in an abusive situation, but suppose the young man is an honor roll student who  has been working two jobs to support his mother and four siblings, or a mother on disability, struck by a terminal illness.  He has an argument over – let’s say the keys or dinner not being prepared – the same day he finds out that he has just been fired from one of his two necessary jobs, rents due and he’s broke.  The argument leads to physical abuse.  To some of you readers, this may seem far fetched, but I guarantee you this story is real to more people than you think.  Does he deserve to go to prison or rehabilitation?

Is his life worth saving? 

There is obviously no excuse for a man to put his hands on any woman.  We all must know this – men and women alike.  There is no exception.  What happens after that, though, is a matter of failure or success.  We must offer our children the best chance at a productive time on this earth during their life’s journey.  It’s up to us to pick them up when they fall.  Reminding them that we believe in their ability to “do better” and then contribute to others doing better, would make an excellent starting point.

We understand that sometimes jail is exactly where an abuser belongs.  However, there are other situations that warrant help, intervention and therapy.  We can’t continue picking and choosing who we should save and who needs our help.  They both need our help – the abuser and the victim.  They are one in the same.  One could argue that a man who is allowed by his female partner to continue attacking her is being abused.  For he is displaying the typical “act out” that people with mental challenges always display.  If he is permitted to continue this behavior then is he not too being abused?  He is certainly not being helped.  Neither is she.  No one wins; we all loose.

We are doing quite a bit of crying over lost loved ones.  There needs to be a more proactive approach to this to include preventive measures.  We have a responsibility to our children, all of our children.  We can not throw away young men who make mistakes and remove them from society without the opportunity for improvement; regardless of race.  We can’t turn our backs on them without giving them the chance to reach out to another man who may be doing or feeling the same way.  We need to put just as much emphasis on teaching self worth and pride as we do on saving the victim after an incident threatens her life.  We must rebuild the connection with our children and assist in building confidence in them. 

Our daughters should not be wondering if they deserve more.  They should not sacrifice their lives, their bodies, and their future for the idea of love. 

We need to inspire the good and the strengths in men who have committed this act – the non-habitual offender who doesn’t demonstrate a pattern of abuse, so that we are not giving up on our children who shall oversee our future.

Our society has the funny way of picking and choosing what we care about and what we don’t.  If our children are the future and we can all agree to that, then we are the present.  We are the ones who must shape these children so that our future illuminates as we all pray that it will.  We simply can not do that by electing to only correct half of the issue.  If the problem is domestic violence, then the answer is in the manner by which we approach healing.  Healing must be offered to both parties.  We must reprogram mind states.  We’ve determined the need to be there for a woman who has been abused.  We must now implement plans to be there for the young man who has committed abuse.

Sure, MJ, had his imperfections....who doesn't?  One of them struck me with such certainty that it tore me away from the artists/singer/performer/genuis.  He was accused many times of having improper relations with young boys.  How filthy!  I couldn't bring myself to see pass this enough to consider myself in favor of the "Man in the Mirror".  I was hurt by the allegations and disappointed because I felt that it could actually be true. 

Thinking back to the type of lifestyle he had assured me that Mr. Jackson could very well NOT be working on a full tank of gas.  The man was thrown into the public eye at the tender age of five.  From five years old until his death he was judged by the entire world; his actions, his performances, his ranch, his sisters and brothers, father and mother, everything about him - even his children's birth - became public knowledge which was open to public opinion and scrutiny.  That's not normal.  Aside from that, he was unfortunately born to a man who's focus on being rich and famous cost him his family and their private lives.  This truth to which he seems to show no remorse; not even now in the wake of his internationally famous son's death.

Had it not been for Joe Jackson's drive, determination and abuse of his children, would the world even know the Jackson Five, Janet Jackson, or even Michael Jackson?  If Joe didn't completely tear down their confidence and remove them from having a regular childhood, would Micheal Jackson have known how to take over the world with massive stage performances?  If he didn't feel the pain and suffering at the hands of his father, would he have accepted his challenge to "Heal the World" or to create the classic, "We Are the World"?  Would MJ have offered the embrace of humanity that brought all races, ages, nationalities of people together through songs....over and over again?

I tend to think not.

This is the ultimate measure of an artist.  It's an incredible feat to be able to take one's journey and turn it into an art form that brings people together.  Not many are afforded this opportunity.  Eventhough it lead to devastation in some sorts for Mike, his lack of childhood peace also contributed to his vision which inspired the entire world - positively. 

The tormented angel that he was can not be unseen.  We know more about Michael Jackson than we should have priviledge to.  Yet, we are happy to have known and shared in the experience that was the King of Pop.  I can not now focus on that which only Creator should be the judge of anyway.  Today, I am more interested in the man who made "The Wiz" one of the best all black films ever made.  I can only focus on the man who went through extremes that no one else can even fathom to have children to carry on his legacy.  The man who, although dismissed by fans, continued to offer himself to us even when we didn't care or believe in him.  He accepted that he had the power to reach millions and he used that power to make us nicer to each other and more accepting of each other's differences.  He made mistakes.  We all do.  Let the man who doesn't make mistakes; who hasn't made choices that were not favorable and caused pain and hurt to another -- you, cast the first stone.  Otherwise, let us celebrate the man who owned pop music in a way that we may never see again.  Let us focus on his contributions to humanity; his charity involvement; his love for his mother and his family; his flare and ability to have show viewers cry from happiness and pleasure and pass out from excitement.  Let us focus on the life of the King and remember him for the good work that he's done. 

I am thankful to have lived during the time of "Say, Say, Say", "Rock With You", "Bad", "Smooth Criminal", "Lady in My Life", and "Remember the Time".  There will never be another one like him; that's enough for me. 

RIP - Michael Joesph Jackson

Many years ago I was in an eleven year relationship that shaped who I am to this day.  One may even argue that I began this transformation prior to this relationship – when my father died.  I wouldn’t argue that issue.  However, I know that this particular long- term relationship did not do much for my jolt into womanhood.  I was a victim of abuse – physical, mental, and emotional.  I thought getting rid of this guy fixed my issues.  But, I’ve learned that I am as far from being “fixed” as one can get.

First off, trust is not something that I am privy to.  I can’t offer it with ease to others and I really don’t like being in situations where I have to be trusted.  The idea of people depending on me terrifies me and the idea of having to depend on others, even more of a sore spot.  It’s not healthy, I understand that.  Being this way has cost me many friendships that could have lasted a lifetime.  This one relationship of my life draped me in the comfort of individualism.  Somehow I taught myself that there is no one – not my mother, my companion or even best friend that I would or could ever trust completely.  Giving my all to this toxic relationship with little to no mutuality confused me to such a degree that I began living in a world that I created myself where I refused to need another person and I refused to commit to anyone or anything for fear that I’d be used and/or hurt – again.

Secondly, it took me years to live down the idea that I was unattractive and “fat”.  Eventhough on the surface, I convinced myself that I am happy being me; I am confident and proud of who I am.  Somewhere in the back of my mental psyche there stood this little girl who felt unsure and fearful.  Regardless of the smile plastered on my face to hide the shame and pain, I still heard the ugliness that sang out to me during this relationship.

“No one else is gonna want you”;

“I’m not attracted to you; you’re too fat”;

“I wish you would just shut up; no one wants to hear you talk.  You’re stupid”.

Although I laughed at these statements and thought that he was crazy for saying them, someway, somehow, I allowed them to create my personality.  I decided that I wouldn’t try to make anyone like me since they wouldn’t want me anyway.  I decided to stop trying to be fit and in shape since I was already fat and no one wants a fat girlfriend.  I decided that whenever I was around people who had lively debates, I would retreat to the quiet corner of the room and hope no one asked me anything directly that would reveal my opinion.  No one wanted to hear what I had to say.  I didn’t want to be laughed at or taken for granted.  So, I didn’t trust myself enough to know that people would be interested in my thoughts.  To date, rejection is my biggest fear in life.

Lastly, and probably the one thing that can link my issues back to my father’s death, I am extremely afraid of being left.  I try not to build relationships for fear that once I share myself with another friend, or boyfriend, anyone, they’ll leave me.  They will abandon me, leaving me with only a broken heart and a bunch of tears.  Because of this I’ve made many strides in my life to avoid serious relationships and I definitely didn’t want to partake in friendships.  Although, I tend to be very close to my friends, I adapted the idea that life long friendships are myths; they didn’t really exist.  This has caused me many sleepless night and teary mornings.  Because, I am drawn to special people, yet, I try really hard to control my connection to them to avoid the inevitable departure that my history proved was destined to occur.

Being in love with my son, my future step-children and my future husband has made me realize that I can not continue to be this screwed up emotionally.  Having strong, intelligent friends who love me and share in my life has brought to the surface my need to get pass this.  I’ve placed a tremendous amount of stress and strain on myself because I have not dealt with the emotional unbalance I suffered at the hands of one man, years ago.

I can only pray that with this outburst of emotion, I am healed.  I am able to love wholeheartedly a man who is definitely worthy of me grabbing a hold of the woman he knows I can be.  I am praying that with this entry today I am able to accept people who accept me and able to trust without hesitation.  I can only hope that I can find that girl that I was for the first 12 years of my life before the universe threw me this curve ball that has been hovering over the plate for the last 20 years – controlling me.  I want to get back in the game and contribute to the “W”.  I don’t want to stand in the dug out any longer hoping I don’t have to get up to bat for fear of causing an out or not getting to first base.  I want to learn to take the chance and hope for the best.  Instead of not taking the chance and receiving whatever I get. 

Life’s too short and too wonderful to spend with this type of baggage hindering me.  I am about to marry the man of my dreams and embark on the second phase of my life.  I refuse to carry this emotional drama with me any further.  This is your stop, get off.  I’m done with you and I am ready to enjoy my new family, my friends and my new life.

Queen………….out!

Social networks are providing an experience for our children that I don’t think we are prepared to deal with.  There is no age limitation.  There is no monitoring.  There is no reason to tell the truth about your age and who you are.  Getting to know someone is very easy, however determining if the person you’re chatting with is really who they say is not so easy.  Therefore, when a child, who is inexperienced at making sound judgment calls, is setting themselves up for what could be a dangerous outcome.  The pure excitement of being able to log on to a computer and become whoever you want to be, however old you want to be is intriguing for a child.  If no one is paying attention to what that child is saying and who they are saying it to, anything could happen; and generally does.

On one of these sites, there was a young girl who had a page with skimpy clothing.  She advertised that she was seeking a boyfriend; someone to hang out and kick it with.  She turned out to be under the age of 18.  She met up with two different guys, both over 18 and both accused later of statutory rape.  The girl lied about her age and caused both of these men to face jail time.  To this date, she still has a page up and has not altered her age, which she stated was 19, when she’s actually 13.  Her picture decorated in a two piece bikini is also still posted. 

Artists and musicians are expected by law to slap a “Parental Advisory” sticker on their albums when it contains adult content, yet, this new social network faze has nothing in place to monitor it’s users.  There is no notice that the page you click on can contain adult photos, or any other adult content.  So if these sites are being used by adults to find dates, then children are able to do the same thing.  If adults are able to place revealing pictures on their pages, the children can do the same.  It’s ridiculous that this is available to children.  This is the beginning of a serious problem.  We need to get a hold on these sites soon.  We have little girls setting up guys for statutory rape.  We have little girls posting pictures of themselves that their parents have never seen. 

As such, it would seem to me that the problem is not with the artist, whether a ring tone rapper or not.  The problem lies, yet again, within our community, our society.  If we were a society that celebrated womanhood, we wouldn’t be in odds about the use of the B-word.  If we were a country that encouraged racial harmony, the use of the N-word would not be a big deal.  If we were a community that cherished it’s children, it would be difficult to introduce children to sex and other mature topics so early.  If we were a society as we were years ago, parents would be looking after and supervising their own children and artists would not be left with the responsibility to raise our children or offer role models for them.  It is not the artists’ job to be role models for our children.  There job is to entertain us.  When they signed their record deal, that’s what they hired on for.  They are not in this field to do the job that parents have neglected to do.

The best way to work on the issue of outside influences leading your child is to be attentive.  For one thing, give careful consideration to allowing your under-aged child to have a page on popular social sites that do very little background checks.  Children have access to information, photographs, etc that they should not.  There is no age limit, therefore you child could be communicating with a man or woman your age and enjoying the fanatical image of being grown before they are ready.  This coupled with the music they listen to and the television shows they watch is leading our children to a childless adulthood.